I like meat. In case you didn’t know, animals taste great, especially with seasoning and various sauces. I’m not a zoologist (and FYI: studying zoology is basically playing Pokemon all day, but that’s another blog entry), but I’d have to theorize that that’s no accident. And, to all you scientists out there, my theory has merit. Animals are delicious. They come equipped with the ability to taste good with salt and pepper, A1, barbecue sauce, and sometimes horseradish sauce. Now, I’m sure some of you out there are thinking, “But Red Kennedy, meat from animals just happens to be full of vitamins and nutrients we humans need, which is convenient, but it’s that damn seasoning that makes them taste good! Blame them! Scientists engineer animals to be delicious nowadays, it’s true!” Well, Mr. Tinfoil Hat, you’re wrong. Meat has been an awesome fucking meal for millions of years. It’s in the bible, it’s in Lewis and Clark’s logbooks, and it’s on the dinner table. You ever try eating a piece of wood with some hot sauce on it? I bet it sucks. Ever grab a handful of grass, butter it up, and snack on it on the drive to work? Knock yourself out, but I guarantee it tastes like buttered ass.
This is where I’d bring up the food chain, but The Simpsons beat me to the punch with that awesome graphic where about 50 animals (including a shark, an ape, a bat, and a squirrel) surround a picture of a human, and every single animal points to the human. That’s right, animals, you’re up for grabs. All of you. Have you noticed how many restaurants in the last few years have started to serve more exotic animals? You can get things like gator meat, lion meat, ostrich meat, turkey hot dogs, and dolphin (Well, that last one by accident, but what a delicious accident!). We meat-eaters are branching out. We’re eating more animals, and finding out everything with a pulse that’s dumber than us tastes fucking good.
Now, the problem here is that there’s a sub-culture in America (and seemingly only here because smarter countries have run them off to places that tolerate that crap) that only eats vegetables. At first, I hated these people. I mean, people with a cause are really annoying. Where do people with strong opinions end up? On my TV, with signs and bad haircuts. Slowing down traffic with their protests, with poorly made t-shirts, annoying me with the half second I spend changing the channel once I see them to something like Cheers reruns. Protesters in general are retarded, but these vegetarians were the worst. Forcing this crazy idea that we’ve been assholes all these years, eating poor, defenseless animals when we could’ve been eating poor, defenseless plants instead. At first, I thought, maybe it’s just because they believe in protecting animals that can smile, or cute animals, because you always see pro-Animal signs with a baby lamb or a baby monkey going, “Don’t eat me!”. You never see a “Save the rats!” campaign. Then I thought, maybe they were just really bored, and this is more of a bored housewife thing. But, the more I thought about it, the more I realized: Hey! These people are just attention-seeking assholes. They’re shrill, otherwise ignored people, who want to annoy us. And I realized that Lisa Simpson was just the harbinger, a warning sign, that we all missed.
A little over a year ago, my roommate announced his brother was transferring from his mom’s to our city, and needed a short-term place to stay. And so he lived in our basement, and the short-term stay turned into a year. But the kid was really cool, and I up and discovered he was a vegan. But this didn’t make sense. He bathed daily. He got regular haircuts. He even believed in television and other household appliances. And he even had a MySpace! And we could talk about stuff, like why his brother was a tool or why RPG games should have more nudity. And I thought, why isn’t this kid on TV? His voice wasn’t nasal, he didn’t dress like a hipster or a homeless man, and he didn’t tell me I was an asshole for dipping my animals in sugar before deep-frying them. In fact, he admitted my animal food smelled great, but that he liked his things from Trader Joe’s. Regular people who enjoy food they like for their own reasons, who aren’t telling us we’re butchering assholes – those are people I can accept. If you want your cause to succeed, you should use those people. Friendly people. Attractive people. Imagine if a porn star guaranteed to send you a picture of her jugs for free every month you went without eating meat. That’s a program I can get behind. I’m not going to support some bearded pothead who insists I make all my own clothes out of hemp. It’s like they purposely want their cause to fail by being as moronic and abrasive as possible, and maybe that’s the scam. They secretly want people to do the opposite, so they have a bunch of hateful, un-likable people pose as supporters for some cockamamie cause. Or maybe they just really suck at this whole protest thing. Or maybe we should all be more like Homer, who kicks Lisa whenever she doesn’t finish her hot dog and pastrami dinner.
So I still love animals, because they’ve only gotten more delicious with more inventions by that clever George Foreman. And I still hate hippies, because they’re dirty, unemployed, and telling me I’m wrong at everything. But I like nice people, even if they are vegan.
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