Remember this fat fuck?

I used to think Mo Vaughn was funny. No, really. His nickname was “Motown”, because he’s this big cocky bastard who thinks he’s the shit, but he’s really just some fat guy who can swing a stick really well. We used to imagine what he must’ve said to people. This is back when I was in college, and we thought it was ridiculous this fat, lazy asshole got a huge contract when he played in a hitter’s park on a loaded offensive team and couldn’t play defense. Let’s go back to the end of the 1997 season for a hypothetical interview, shall we?

Reporter: Mo, I-
Motown: YO’ ASS CALL ME MOTOWN!
Reporter: Uh, okay, Motown, you hit 30 home runs this year. You claimed before the season you’d break Roger Maris’ single season record at the halfway point.
Motown: I didn’t feel like it.
Reporter: … what?
Motown: That’s right!
Reporter: Motown, only two men have ever hit more than 60 home runs in a season, and-
Motown: MOTOWN COULD HIT A GOD DAMN HUNDRED HOME RUNS IF HE FELT LIKE IT!
Reporter: Moving on, how do you like playing for Anaheim?
Motown: I HATE IT! FIRST, THEY GOTS TO CHANGE THE NAME OF THE CITY FROM ANAHEIMS TO MOTOWN!
Reporter: Well, the name of the city you play in really has nothing to do with the game of baseball.
Motown: BASEBALL! I HATE BASEBALL! WHO THE HELL CAME UP WITH ALL THIS DAMN RUNNIN’ AFTER YOU HITS THE BALL?! I MEAN, DAMN!
Reporter: *ahem* Manager Mike Sciosia has said-
Motown: SHUT UP ABOUT HIS ASS! MIKE DON’T RUN THIS TEAM, AH DO! I GOTS TO RENAME THIS TEAM, NOBODY IS GONNA BE SCARED O’ ANGELS!! WE GON’ BE DA MOTOWN MOES!
Reporter: Please, Motown, calm down, uh, how would you run the team differently than Mike Sciosia?
Motown: Well, first, I’d play all nine positions.
Reporter: You’d take the field against nine other men?
Motown: No.
Reporter: You just said-
Motown: Motown just hit for all nine spots, Motown don’t field.
Reporter: So you’d play first, at least.
Motown: Motown don’t field.
Reporter: What would happen when you got three outs and the other team has to bat?
Motown: Motown don’t get out.
Reporter: If that were true, you’d be batting 1.000.
Motown: That’s ’cause Motown don’t like runnin’ to first.
Reporter: You run all the way for a home run.
Motown: That’s ’cause Motown wants to exercise off them chili dogs.
Reporter: Uh huh. So. How did you get your name?
Motown: ‘Cause Moland and Mostate don’t sound as good as Motown.
Reporter: Some people call you Mo’ Money.
Motown: Motown gonna eat those people.
Reporter: Ah. Thank you for your time, Motown.
Motown: Get the fuck out my house.

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Yeah, I don’t know what this was.

*not racist

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