Yes, a long time ago, Japanese people had a big military, and they interrupted our Fruity Pebbles with their dirty sneak attack. Now, of course, there weren’t any Fruity Pebbles back then (the Japs took ‘em!), and as Americans, we can describe someone else’s attack on us as evil. History is written by the winners, after all. I hope you remember this before you run out to your nearest sushi restaurant and beat up the chef in retaliation.
War, of course, is politics by another means. Plus, it’s more interesting than what’s on C-SPAN. Now, the attack on Pearl Harbor is something that was a long time coming. It’s not totally unlike our 9/11 predicament, where there was a long-standing issue between our government and the terrorists (Which, by the way, I really hate that word. It sounds like a buzzword.), and something finally broke. Back in the late 30’s, the world was going to hell. Hitler and his cronies were devouring Europe, Italy was getting fat and happy, and Japan was tearing shit up in China and other surrounding countries. By and by, most countries capable of putting up a fight against these guys (who, as the Axis Powers, predate today’s Axis of Evil by over 60 years) were crushed. Japan was slowed down by the fact that China was so god damn huge, and Germany had 30 million Russians to fight. Oh, and Britain. They managed to hold off the Nazis between tea times. The whole time, however, the one country that could’ve ended this shit had they stepped in, did nothing. That was us, by the way. We chose to remain neutral, as it was in our best interests, for some reason, to not get involved. Then-president Frank Roosevelt was pretty sure things would just work themselves out, as large-scale invasions and ethnic cleansings usually do. Besides, his country was in a depression, and their economy didn’t have time to be building tanks or guns, they had better things to do. We later found out that Germany offered Mexico part of the U.S. if they helped them invade America, and Roosevelt promptly chuckled. Those Germans sure were goofy. He must’ve gotten annoyed by seeing all the daily headlines about Germany and Japan tearing shit up, so he decided to start putting embargoes and blockades against those guys, and trying to slow trade to those countries. Perhaps if they weren’t getting as many bombs delivered, they wouldn’t take his spot on the front page, he thought. But this only annoyed those Axis guys. They schemed in deep underground lairs and smoked their evil pipes thoughtfully. Then, I assume, an old Japanese wiseman (Japan is full of those guys, by the way) suggested that they get the drop on the U.S. and attack them first. Everyone agreed, because once they polished off Britain and Russia, the only other country left would be America. By then, by themselves, they’d be unable to beat the Germany/Japan/Italy tag team champions. They all agreed they’d attack the U.S. on the laziest time of the week: Sunday morning. They theorized, after seeing some W.C. Fields movies, that Americans loved to get liquored up, and were mostly hung over Sunday morning. So, a memo was sent out, and everyone knew shit was on. Meanwhile, the U.S. got cockier and cockier. They slept a little later, and ate a little extra bacon that morning. They hit the snooze button. And although they weren’t aware an attack was coming, clues were dropped. A new radar machine was delivered to Pearl Harbor, and some guys decided to fool around with it. They quickly saw about 500 little blips on it (which, of course, were fighter planes piloted by screaming Japanese with those headbands), and decided they must’ve received the new Galaga game. They quickly shut it off, because they wanted to get it to their basement before anyone noticed Fedex’s mistake. Many code interceptors (fat guys who listened to radios all day hoping to catch secret messages) were pretty sure they heard things about a surprise attack, but all the Generals at Pearl Harbor laughed and said they’d be sure to keep an eye out for a little raft with a Japanese flag on it. The previous day, even, a ship commander spotted what he thought was a submarine, and even shot at it, but his superiors assured him that it was a tourist’s submarine. And so little hints were dropped here and there, and America swept it aside. At about 7:30 that morning (I don’t know for sure, I wouldn’t be born for like another 37 years), Japan bombed the fuck out of us, and we looked really stupid.
Now, before you go watch that stupid-looking Pearl Harbor movie, just remember that it has Ben Affleck and Josh Hartnett, and watching it will drop your IQ by 70 points. It’s true, look it up.
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